Yesterday afternoon my hubby and I were walking in the park, discussing my business and all the problems and need-to-be-done things, and he asked me suddenly: "But you do enjoy it, right? This is what you wanted to do?" And I stumbled because I found myself incapable to honestly say "yes". During these last two weeks I remember myself feeling tired, scared, embarrassed, depressed, annoyed, hurt, exhausted - but I didn't remember feeling good or even for a moment satisfied.
So I told myself: "Stop, honey, why the hell we are doing this?" I left the job, I settled for months of financial uncertainty and loses (which I hate with passion - I am not one of who calmly invest and wait for the return, I love my money to be here with me and grow, I don't believe in "spend to gain"), hell I left my favourite hobby - shopping! For what? So I could not just draw something (gosh I could draw any time), but live a certain life style that would be good for me, right? And now my arm and shoulder hurt from non-stop photoshoping, I feel nauseous anticipating the next upcoming shop owner soliciting campaign next week and generally I am avoiding asking myself how do I feel because it can trigger a tsunami of self-doubt and panic.
So starting this morning I decided to work on feeling good and enjoying my dream life style. Starting now - not waiting for the perfect moment in future when I achieve all my goals, because judging by my past this moment never comes. Like today I woke up and lied in my bed for a while - just for a heck of it, just because I can and because 5 min won't make a difference. And then instead of jumping to the computer at 7-30, I decided to wash my face first and even have a little breakfast and watch a stupid movie. And I made sure to enjoy every moment of it, because I didn't have to take a bus to the city - that damn bus that made me sick – yes I had a motion sickness in a bus since forever and I was coping with it since my first kindergarten year and I think this is enough!
And then I remembered that I had a whole week ahead of me to prepare the new collection, and during this particular week I don’t have to meet any people or write any business e-mails – I don’t even need to think about it. And I can manage my time as I wish (and I have enough of it) so I can actually not only draw-draw-draw-count-count-count-panic-panic-panic, but also I can bake something and cook something nice like pork ribs, yeah.
Because THAT is why I wanted to work from home and be my own boss – not because I dreamed to become rich and powerful or independent or prove something and all this shit. I already achieved quite a few major goals and I forgot to celebrate it. I don’t need to ride a bus at the morning, I don’t need to deal with stupid bosses, I can eat at the time when I feel hungry and I can manage my time. And this is HUGE and I need to be grateful and happy. Starting now.