So I was cleaning my kitchen the other day. I was wiping a counter with a paper towel and I was thinking: I should save the piece of paper towel as long as possible, because I don't want to waste it. I have to protect nature. And then it suddenly occurs to me: fuck nature.
My friend, a biologist, told me once: "According to natural laws after we turned thirty we live bonus years." Meaning: after you passed your most fertile age you have to clear the space for new generations. That is what nature thinks about our importance. The bitch want us out right after our eldest of thirteen children starts menstruating. And we have to protect it? Fuck it.
Nature is so overrated. Ladies you are with me. Mother nature could take her PMS, underarm hair and growing old and shovel it up hers. I am not one of these chicks who enjoy spending hours grooming themselves. This constant battle against nature annoys the hell out of me. I'd rather read something or watch TV or do some other thing that differs me from animals. Like scrapbooking. Wooo-hoo, just had one of my girlfriends on the phone. She is second time pregnant and asking me to add: fuck natural childbirth. With pleasure, honey.
Fuck nature. What so good about it? Every time I am outside of the city it's me who needs protection. You know what is natural? Dirt. Cholera. Survival of the fittest. I can't do a single push up, so what's in it for me?.. You know what unnatural? Antibiotics. That shit saved my life on numerous occasions when your precious nature tried to kill me with pneumonia and other wonders it had in its bottomless pocket.
Fuck nature. We won by the way. We are the winners - so why the fuck we have to try so hard to accommodate the looser? Nature doesn't want us to pollute? Well tough luck bitch we don't want tsunami and hurricanes. Let's do some quid pro quo here. You stop inventing new diseases and I promise to think about recycling.